new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
