I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
