i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
