she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
