rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
