I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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