Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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