whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
