I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
