I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
