the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
