Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
