when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
