I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize