just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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