my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
