the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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