Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
