When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
