Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
