Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
