I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
