Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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