My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
