So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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