Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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