Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
