I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
