the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Someone signed my nipple.
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