I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
