Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I party with great urgency now.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
