Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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