People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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