She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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