I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
