I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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