Duck Duck Cougar?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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