i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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