you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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