you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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