Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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