just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
