i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
