While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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