Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
