Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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