im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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