I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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