Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
