look no pants
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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