Is it because I queefed?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
