We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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