half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
