Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
