i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
