her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
