I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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