Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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