Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
