So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
