I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
