Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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