My boss' voice literally gives me gas
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
