Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
50% drunk capacity currently
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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