SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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